Forbidden Love

Fanfic Url - http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ava_oneshot/
Author - Arlean19
Reviewed by Han

Title - 3/5
It matched the theme of the story, however when I read the title, the plot of the story was completely different. I thought it was going to be a thriller until I saw the colour. It also lacked a small sense of appeal, but it is appropriate enough.

Appearance - 3.5/5
The main colour is pink and it gives that sense of fun and childishness and it matched it quite well.
The poster is also nice. Well done.

Forewords - 4/10
You lost marks here because you didn't write a good foreword. Although you said that it wasn't necessary because it was a one-shot, you still should have added some sort of character description. It's better for the readers to have an understanding of the characters before the story proceeds.

Storyline - 10/15
It's quite different to what I'm used to and the story continued well. Although it was rushed, it couldn't be helped because it was a one-shot. Your entries could have been longer and it could have still been a one-shot, only longer.

Story Flow - 12.5/15
The story flowed well because the events came continually one after another, you lost points because of the pace. Other than that it flowed well.

Character Development - 10/15
There was minimal charcter development in your story as it wasn't long enough to get to know the charcters really well. However you made sure your characters kept their characteristics so you've gained marks. Well done.

Descriptions - 5/10
I gave you a low mark here because there was no imagery created. I only spotted one simile and that was a let down. You described the gang coming into the restaurant more than the main characters themselves, which was also dissapointing. Although most readers already may know what Selina and Jae Joong look like, it's still better to read with descriptions about the looks and the way the move.

Correct Spelling/Grammar - 2.5/5
Here I gave you the benefit of the doubt because English may not be your first language.

You made a few typos such as: (There were a couple of others, but I will only list a few)
You wrote: at he bestfriend
It should've been: at HER bestfriend
You wrote: as her went on with his teaching.
It should've been: as HE went on with his teaching.

You also went from past tense to present tense, which can stop the flow of your sentence and cause your reader to become confused. Such as:
You wrote: "I just thought that your food looks delicious,"
It should've been: "I just thought that your food LOOKED delicious,"

Also small errors such as adding commas or questions marks is important, such as: (there are two ways to this example)
You wrote: What will I call him AHJUSSI??
It should've been: What will I call him? AHJUSSI??
Or: What? Will I call him AHJUSSI?

Also, once you have started using a word, you need to keep it consistent, for example:
You wrote: Umma, what are we doing here?! That would be a five year gap, mom!!
Note here that at first you used Umma, and then you suddenly switched to mom. This can also cause confusion, so it's best if you don't do it, stick to just one word.

You also used the word go in a couple of innappopriate places, for example:
You wrote: "It's my own decision to go here"
It should be: "It WAS my own decision to COME here."
Or: "It's my own decision to BE here"
You wrote: one who got late
It shouldv'e been: (the) one who CAME late

The grammar for some of your sentences was also incorrect:
You wrote: would really be embarrassed to his parents!"
It shouldv'e been: (It) would really be EMBARRASSING to his parents!"
You wrote: revealing the least she wanted to see.
It should've been: revealing the PERSON she least wanted to see.
Or: reavealing the LAST PERSON she wanted to see.

Keeping Interest - 7/10
Your story was good at keeping interest because Selina started off hating Jae Joong, because of this, as a reader, I wanted to find out why/how she would fall for Jae Joong. It was slightly humourous, so it kept me interested. Well done.

Ending - 2.5/5
Personally, I didn't really like the ending as it was over too soon. It's illegal to be in a relationship with a teacher, so I don't really understand why Jung Jessica would let it off so easily when she wanted Jae Joong. I think the ending could have been better because I can see you have potential.

Bonus Points - 3/5
I'm giving you bonus marks because I could see that you tried hard. With a bit more refining and editing, I'm sure you will do better on your next story.

FINAL SCORE: 63/100

Reviewer's note: I hope I wasn't being too harsh, it's just some constructive criticsm. I hope you take my advice, and not hate me too much. Good Luck with your future stories and come back to the Kiwi Family again soon. ^_^