Fanfic Title: The Little Girl & Her Prince Charming
Author: SuperSapphire
Fanfic Url: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/5673/the-little-girl-her-prince-charming-one-shot-shinee
Reviewer: Hainexazien@kiwi-flight.blogspot.com
Title: 4/5
I thought the title fairly appropriate, and that it suited the story quite well! It was quite capturing as well, as I would click on it if I was scrolling through a page of fanfics, though I took a mark off for how often it’s used. Though it’s not one of the ‘super-used’ titles for stories, but I have seen titles that are quite similar to this, but it’s still quite able to attract a reader’s attention! So good job!
Appearance: 3/5
There wasn’t necessarily a poster, in which I would usually mark the appearance out of, but instead, I marked it on the organization of the fanfic, and I took marks off because the forewords in itself didn’t really look that organized, and though the fanfic text in itself is very organized, the forewords wasn’t. Such big text made the words look quite crowded, so just keep that in mind the next time you write.
Forewords: 2/10
Your forewords really didn’t tell me much of the story, and though having the story dedicated to one of your best friend is really something that’s nice to know, but it doesn’t tell me much about the story. There was about one sentence that you wrote that told me briefly what the one-shot was about, but though it’s a one-shot, I do tend to expect a description of the characters or at least a prologue to be present, as it pulls in the readers’ attention, and keeps the readers reading. Without it, it’s really just an author’s note –and those most often don’t pull in much attention.
Storyline: 12/15
I don’t have much to say about the storyline itself, as it was used quite a few times as well (As I’ve seen it around quite a few times), but you’ve managed to make the story somewhat ‘yours’ in a way that I would know that it was your story even if you didn’t indicate it earlier. You added a little bit creativity in there that allowed this storyline stand out from all the others that are similar. So Good Job!
Story Flow: 15/15
You did a great job keeping the flow in this story consistent and comfortable to read with! So full marks! Keep up the good work!
Character Development: 15/15
The characters were really developed quite well, as I could tell what they were thinking, and I could actually relate to how they were feeling, so that’s always a good thing. I knew and understood how they felt and viewed things, and so that was really good!
Descriptions: 5/10
You weren’t very detailed when writing, and the descriptions you put in your story were very limited. Try to expand on your descriptions in your story, as it adds a better image or impression in your reader’s mind. There would be no point in writing if all your characters are vague, and they really don’t know much about the character –it would be very much equal to not reading the story at all.
Correct Spelling/ Grammar: 5/5
I didn’t see a lot of grammar and spelling errors within the story –but the ones I did see, they weren’t really big ones, so there’s nothing to worry about! Good job!
Keeping Interest: 10/10
I never swayed when I read your story, and I was never distracted, and so it did quite a good job of keeping my interest, and it a very good well-written story! Keep up the good work!
Ending: 5/5
I love happy endings, and it may be a little biased, but it was a good ending! A little overused, but still a good ending! Good job!
Bonus Points: 5/5
Total: 81/100
Good Job! I really liked reading your one-shot! And I really apologize for taking so long to do your review! I hope I didn’t offend you in any way in this review! I hope you can use this as a guide in the future for writing! Thank-you for requesting at Kiwi-flight, and I wish you all the best!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Forbidden Love
Fanfic Url - http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ava_oneshot/
Author - Arlean19
Reviewed by Han
Title - 3/5
It matched the theme of the story, however when I read the title, the plot of the story was completely different. I thought it was going to be a thriller until I saw the colour. It also lacked a small sense of appeal, but it is appropriate enough.
Appearance - 3.5/5
The main colour is pink and it gives that sense of fun and childishness and it matched it quite well.
The poster is also nice. Well done.
Forewords - 4/10
You lost marks here because you didn't write a good foreword. Although you said that it wasn't necessary because it was a one-shot, you still should have added some sort of character description. It's better for the readers to have an understanding of the characters before the story proceeds.
Storyline - 10/15
It's quite different to what I'm used to and the story continued well. Although it was rushed, it couldn't be helped because it was a one-shot. Your entries could have been longer and it could have still been a one-shot, only longer.
Story Flow - 12.5/15
The story flowed well because the events came continually one after another, you lost points because of the pace. Other than that it flowed well.
Character Development - 10/15
There was minimal charcter development in your story as it wasn't long enough to get to know the charcters really well. However you made sure your characters kept their characteristics so you've gained marks. Well done.
Descriptions - 5/10
I gave you a low mark here because there was no imagery created. I only spotted one simile and that was a let down. You described the gang coming into the restaurant more than the main characters themselves, which was also dissapointing. Although most readers already may know what Selina and Jae Joong look like, it's still better to read with descriptions about the looks and the way the move.
Correct Spelling/Grammar - 2.5/5
Here I gave you the benefit of the doubt because English may not be your first language.
You made a few typos such as: (There were a couple of others, but I will only list a few)
You wrote: at he bestfriend
It should've been: at HER bestfriend
You wrote: as her went on with his teaching.
It should've been: as HE went on with his teaching.
You also went from past tense to present tense, which can stop the flow of your sentence and cause your reader to become confused. Such as:
You wrote: "I just thought that your food looks delicious,"
It should've been: "I just thought that your food LOOKED delicious,"
Also small errors such as adding commas or questions marks is important, such as: (there are two ways to this example)
You wrote: What will I call him AHJUSSI??
It should've been: What will I call him? AHJUSSI??
Or: What? Will I call him AHJUSSI?
Also, once you have started using a word, you need to keep it consistent, for example:
You wrote: Umma, what are we doing here?! That would be a five year gap, mom!!
Note here that at first you used Umma, and then you suddenly switched to mom. This can also cause confusion, so it's best if you don't do it, stick to just one word.
You also used the word go in a couple of innappopriate places, for example:
You wrote: "It's my own decision to go here"
It should be: "It WAS my own decision to COME here."
Or: "It's my own decision to BE here"
You wrote: one who got late
It shouldv'e been: (the) one who CAME late
The grammar for some of your sentences was also incorrect:
You wrote: would really be embarrassed to his parents!"
It shouldv'e been: (It) would really be EMBARRASSING to his parents!"
You wrote: revealing the least she wanted to see.
It should've been: revealing the PERSON she least wanted to see.
Or: reavealing the LAST PERSON she wanted to see.
Keeping Interest - 7/10
Your story was good at keeping interest because Selina started off hating Jae Joong, because of this, as a reader, I wanted to find out why/how she would fall for Jae Joong. It was slightly humourous, so it kept me interested. Well done.
Ending - 2.5/5
Personally, I didn't really like the ending as it was over too soon. It's illegal to be in a relationship with a teacher, so I don't really understand why Jung Jessica would let it off so easily when she wanted Jae Joong. I think the ending could have been better because I can see you have potential.
Bonus Points - 3/5
I'm giving you bonus marks because I could see that you tried hard. With a bit more refining and editing, I'm sure you will do better on your next story.
FINAL SCORE: 63/100
Reviewer's note: I hope I wasn't being too harsh, it's just some constructive criticsm. I hope you take my advice, and not hate me too much. Good Luck with your future stories and come back to the Kiwi Family again soon. ^_^
Author - Arlean19
Reviewed by Han
Title - 3/5
It matched the theme of the story, however when I read the title, the plot of the story was completely different. I thought it was going to be a thriller until I saw the colour. It also lacked a small sense of appeal, but it is appropriate enough.
Appearance - 3.5/5
The main colour is pink and it gives that sense of fun and childishness and it matched it quite well.
The poster is also nice. Well done.
Forewords - 4/10
You lost marks here because you didn't write a good foreword. Although you said that it wasn't necessary because it was a one-shot, you still should have added some sort of character description. It's better for the readers to have an understanding of the characters before the story proceeds.
Storyline - 10/15
It's quite different to what I'm used to and the story continued well. Although it was rushed, it couldn't be helped because it was a one-shot. Your entries could have been longer and it could have still been a one-shot, only longer.
Story Flow - 12.5/15
The story flowed well because the events came continually one after another, you lost points because of the pace. Other than that it flowed well.
Character Development - 10/15
There was minimal charcter development in your story as it wasn't long enough to get to know the charcters really well. However you made sure your characters kept their characteristics so you've gained marks. Well done.
Descriptions - 5/10
I gave you a low mark here because there was no imagery created. I only spotted one simile and that was a let down. You described the gang coming into the restaurant more than the main characters themselves, which was also dissapointing. Although most readers already may know what Selina and Jae Joong look like, it's still better to read with descriptions about the looks and the way the move.
Correct Spelling/Grammar - 2.5/5
Here I gave you the benefit of the doubt because English may not be your first language.
You made a few typos such as: (There were a couple of others, but I will only list a few)
You wrote: at he bestfriend
It should've been: at HER bestfriend
You wrote: as her went on with his teaching.
It should've been: as HE went on with his teaching.
You also went from past tense to present tense, which can stop the flow of your sentence and cause your reader to become confused. Such as:
You wrote: "I just thought that your food looks delicious,"
It should've been: "I just thought that your food LOOKED delicious,"
Also small errors such as adding commas or questions marks is important, such as: (there are two ways to this example)
You wrote: What will I call him AHJUSSI??
It should've been: What will I call him? AHJUSSI??
Or: What? Will I call him AHJUSSI?
Also, once you have started using a word, you need to keep it consistent, for example:
You wrote: Umma, what are we doing here?! That would be a five year gap, mom!!
Note here that at first you used Umma, and then you suddenly switched to mom. This can also cause confusion, so it's best if you don't do it, stick to just one word.
You also used the word go in a couple of innappopriate places, for example:
You wrote: "It's my own decision to go here"
It should be: "It WAS my own decision to COME here."
Or: "It's my own decision to BE here"
You wrote: one who got late
It shouldv'e been: (the) one who CAME late
The grammar for some of your sentences was also incorrect:
You wrote: would really be embarrassed to his parents!"
It shouldv'e been: (It) would really be EMBARRASSING to his parents!"
You wrote: revealing the least she wanted to see.
It should've been: revealing the PERSON she least wanted to see.
Or: reavealing the LAST PERSON she wanted to see.
Keeping Interest - 7/10
Your story was good at keeping interest because Selina started off hating Jae Joong, because of this, as a reader, I wanted to find out why/how she would fall for Jae Joong. It was slightly humourous, so it kept me interested. Well done.
Ending - 2.5/5
Personally, I didn't really like the ending as it was over too soon. It's illegal to be in a relationship with a teacher, so I don't really understand why Jung Jessica would let it off so easily when she wanted Jae Joong. I think the ending could have been better because I can see you have potential.
Bonus Points - 3/5
I'm giving you bonus marks because I could see that you tried hard. With a bit more refining and editing, I'm sure you will do better on your next story.
FINAL SCORE: 63/100
Reviewer's note: I hope I wasn't being too harsh, it's just some constructive criticsm. I hope you take my advice, and not hate me too much. Good Luck with your future stories and come back to the Kiwi Family again soon. ^_^
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Paris Review
Title: Paris
Author: Oblivious To The Obvious
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/obliviousparis/
Reviewer: weepingangel
Title - 5/5 - The title let me know where the setting of the story is. at least i could expect what would happen in paris
Appearance 4/5 - The poster and background is just right for the tone/mood of the story
Forewords - 9/10 - I love how you explained that Paris is a city of love, and what the character is feeling when she is in Paris. Again, the foreword gave me a clue on what the story would be
Storyline - 13/15 - I've never seen a story like this before, so kudos for making this kind of plot
Story Flow - 13/15 - The pacing is good. There are short chapters and long chapters. But it would have been good if you elaborated on what happened to Dara while waiting for Friday to come.
Character Development - 13/15 - You could have give a details of the characters before the story. But anyways, you described your characters throughout the chapters :)
Descriptions - 9/10 - You described the situation well, as well as the character's feelings. I could feel Ji Young's pain while reading it
Correct Spelling/Grammar - 5/5 - No wrong grammar or misspelled word
Keeping Interest - 9/10 - I enjoy reading this since it's a short story. Plus, the plot is exciting.
Ending - 5/5 - I love sad endings, and I love how you elaborated on what Ji Young is feeling when Dara is back in TaeYang's arms. Plus, you made and explanation of the ending, which is cool
Bonus Points - 2/5 - 1 point for choosing me to review the story and another point for the ending :)
Total: 87/100
Author: Oblivious To The Obvious
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/obliviousparis/
Reviewer: weepingangel
Title - 5/5 - The title let me know where the setting of the story is. at least i could expect what would happen in paris
Appearance 4/5 - The poster and background is just right for the tone/mood of the story
Forewords - 9/10 - I love how you explained that Paris is a city of love, and what the character is feeling when she is in Paris. Again, the foreword gave me a clue on what the story would be
Storyline - 13/15 - I've never seen a story like this before, so kudos for making this kind of plot
Story Flow - 13/15 - The pacing is good. There are short chapters and long chapters. But it would have been good if you elaborated on what happened to Dara while waiting for Friday to come.
Character Development - 13/15 - You could have give a details of the characters before the story. But anyways, you described your characters throughout the chapters :)
Descriptions - 9/10 - You described the situation well, as well as the character's feelings. I could feel Ji Young's pain while reading it
Correct Spelling/Grammar - 5/5 - No wrong grammar or misspelled word
Keeping Interest - 9/10 - I enjoy reading this since it's a short story. Plus, the plot is exciting.
Ending - 5/5 - I love sad endings, and I love how you elaborated on what Ji Young is feeling when Dara is back in TaeYang's arms. Plus, you made and explanation of the ending, which is cool
Bonus Points - 2/5 - 1 point for choosing me to review the story and another point for the ending :)
Total: 87/100
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Sorry, I Love You Review
Fanfic Url: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MaknaeLove/
Fanfic Title: Sorry, I Love You
Author: MaknaeLove
Reviewer: Hainexazien@http://kiwi-flight.blogspot.com/
Title –3/5
First of all, the title wasn’t really creative as it was overused and you can see it quite a lot while scanning pages while looking for a Fanfiction to read. Though it could be considered suitable for your fanfic, I could imagine a whole bunch of other titles that would be even more suitable. Titles are one the main tools in attracting readers to your fanfic, and if it’s not original or creative enough, you won’t have a lot of audience for your fanfic.
Appearance –4/5
I loved the poster, but perhaps you could add a color to the background to suit the poster? The background didn’t blend in with the background, so that was good.
Forewords –9/10
The forewords were really good, but I would have preferred the prologue in the forewords, but instead you had a longer one on the first chapter :) which was good as well! Good Job!
Storyline –12/15
The storyline is really commonly used, and I’ve seen a lot of it before. But somewhat, you’ve added an originality to the story, and so it didn’t seem so much the same as the other ones I’ve read before. Nicely done!
Story Flow –15/15
The flow was just right! Good Job!
Character Development—15/15
There isn’t a lot of chance to develop characters in one/two shots! But you have definitely showed that it is possible! Very well done!
Descriptions –8/10
There wasn’t much description, but the writing was really detailed. Adding more descriptions regarding the characters could create a better image in the readers’ minds.
Spelling/Grammar – 4/4
There are both minor mistakes, but I’m sure that you’d want to go back and fix them. Otherwise, there’s nothing much to worry about. You were easy to understand, and I couldn’t find many mistakes in your story.
‘I am I really nothing to you?’ didn’t really make much sense, but I’m guessing that you just mixed up ‘I’ and ‘am’ and put it the other way around? Because it makes sense the other way around; not anything major, but just wanted to let you know there was a mistake.
Also, you wrote ‘After reading it for the nth time, I sighed…’ What do you mean by nth time? Was there supposed to be a number instead of the ‘n’? Please go back and fix that, because it does confuse the reader. Though it’s not a major mistake, it could be fixed and could allow the reader to picture a better image in the mind.
Keeping Interest –10/10
I read the whole story without my mind drifting! You kept my attention the whole time! Good Job!
Ending –5/5
I loved the ending :)
Bonus Points –5/5
Reading the story truly made my day!
Total –90/100
If I’ve offended you in any way during this review, I apologize. But reading this story has reminded me of something I never had the courage to do –to tell someone that I loved them, and if it really is what you’ve done in your life, then I praise you for it, because it really takes a lot of courage to do. :) I enjoyed reading your story! Good luck on your next one! Thanks for requesting at Kiwi Flight! Have a nice day!
Fanfic Title: Sorry, I Love You
Author: MaknaeLove
Reviewer: Hainexazien@http://kiwi-flight.blogspot.com/
Title –3/5
First of all, the title wasn’t really creative as it was overused and you can see it quite a lot while scanning pages while looking for a Fanfiction to read. Though it could be considered suitable for your fanfic, I could imagine a whole bunch of other titles that would be even more suitable. Titles are one the main tools in attracting readers to your fanfic, and if it’s not original or creative enough, you won’t have a lot of audience for your fanfic.
Appearance –4/5
I loved the poster, but perhaps you could add a color to the background to suit the poster? The background didn’t blend in with the background, so that was good.
Forewords –9/10
The forewords were really good, but I would have preferred the prologue in the forewords, but instead you had a longer one on the first chapter :) which was good as well! Good Job!
Storyline –12/15
The storyline is really commonly used, and I’ve seen a lot of it before. But somewhat, you’ve added an originality to the story, and so it didn’t seem so much the same as the other ones I’ve read before. Nicely done!
Story Flow –15/15
The flow was just right! Good Job!
Character Development—15/15
There isn’t a lot of chance to develop characters in one/two shots! But you have definitely showed that it is possible! Very well done!
Descriptions –8/10
There wasn’t much description, but the writing was really detailed. Adding more descriptions regarding the characters could create a better image in the readers’ minds.
Spelling/Grammar – 4/4
There are both minor mistakes, but I’m sure that you’d want to go back and fix them. Otherwise, there’s nothing much to worry about. You were easy to understand, and I couldn’t find many mistakes in your story.
‘I am I really nothing to you?’ didn’t really make much sense, but I’m guessing that you just mixed up ‘I’ and ‘am’ and put it the other way around? Because it makes sense the other way around; not anything major, but just wanted to let you know there was a mistake.
Also, you wrote ‘After reading it for the nth time, I sighed…’ What do you mean by nth time? Was there supposed to be a number instead of the ‘n’? Please go back and fix that, because it does confuse the reader. Though it’s not a major mistake, it could be fixed and could allow the reader to picture a better image in the mind.
Keeping Interest –10/10
I read the whole story without my mind drifting! You kept my attention the whole time! Good Job!
Ending –5/5
I loved the ending :)
Bonus Points –5/5
Reading the story truly made my day!
Total –90/100
If I’ve offended you in any way during this review, I apologize. But reading this story has reminded me of something I never had the courage to do –to tell someone that I loved them, and if it really is what you’ve done in your life, then I praise you for it, because it really takes a lot of courage to do. :) I enjoyed reading your story! Good luck on your next one! Thanks for requesting at Kiwi Flight! Have a nice day!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Letting Go Review
Fanfic Url: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SHINeeO1/
Author: `shinee
Reviewed by maybeSammy
Title - 4/5
Although not incredibly unique, the title suits your story very well and has a nice ring to it. However, I feel like you could've taken a step forever. For example, you could've related the title to the piano song she played which plays a big role in Eunji's and Jonghun's relationship.
Appearance - 5/5
Outstanding poster and background! They are not only attractive, but related to your story as well.
Forewords - 9/10
The Forewords were beautifully written. I think they would've been even better if the entire thing was written in Eunji's POV. It suddenly changes from a voice describing Eunji's and Jonghun's relationship to Eunji speaking of it herself. Nevertheless, you did a good job in introducing the story without giving too much away or boring the readers. Your portrayal of fate was quite intriguing.
Storyline - 12/15
Nothing new. I've read of most of the scenarios (e.g. call from the hospital, field of flowers) in other fanfics, but you still managed to pull it off because each scene has a well-defined feel to it. The flashbacks had a lot of meaning and I actually got chills from reading some of the dialogue! For example, when Jonghun told Eunji that she was his miracle, I almost died, haha. I also thought the incorporation of the belief of angels added a nice touch to the story.
Story Flow - 15/15
Perfect! I didn't feel lost at any point and you smoothly incorporated the flashbacks which can be hard at times. Nicely done.
Character Development - 15/15
When reading most one-shots, it's hard for the reader to really feel close to the characters. However, I was able to understand both characters, especially Jonghun. You can tell he's someone who may joke around but cares deeply about the person he loves. Well done.
Descriptions - 8/10
Spotted lots of great descriptions even with the small details.
"The dark and light green grasses were swaying left and right; like they were welcoming her once again, telling her not to cry. The fresh breeze circled around her and enveloped her in a refreshing hug as she smiled brightly ahead of her."
I thought these two sentences were especially beautiful. However, there are many sentences in which you just state a description instead of showing us. Paint the picture yourself! For example,
"The music that was echoing around the auditorium was powerful and yet gentle"
could be written as
"The powerful yet gentle music echoed around the auditorium."
"They were outside, walking on the wet cement under the umbrella that was big enough for the two of them. There was barely anyone out in the streets due to the heavy raining and the fogginess in the streets. They were walking together, hands held tight against each other and footsteps in sync. It was a beautiful symphony created by the two; it was simple, yet menacing."
could be changed to
"Under the umbrella big enough for the two of them, they walked on the wet cement. Barely anyone was out on the streets due to the heavy rain and fog. They walked together, hands tightly held against each other with their footsteps in sync. The two created a beautiful symphony that was simple, yet menacing."
Notice how the second description seems to flow better? There's no need to keep using "There was" in your sentences.
Correct Spelling/Grammar - 2/5
Spelling was pretty spot-on. However, I spotted many grammatical errors. One major problem was your usage of the semicolon (;). A semicolon can only be used if both the clause before and after it are independent. Many places where you used the semicolon, you could've just used the comma or linked both phrases with the word "and."
"But that was now all gone; disappeared into thin air within a blink of an eye.
should be
"But that was now all gone; it had disappeared into thin air within a blink of an eye."
Keeping Interest - 8/10
Like I said, not much is new but even if it weren't just for the sake of reviewing it, I'd still have read until the end.
Ending - 5/5
The ending was wonderfully written and didn't keep us hanging. Good to know she's letting herself free from the misery without replacing Jonghun's place in her heart. I love how you ended the one-shot with the engravements on his tombstone. It was very moving :)
Bonus Points - 5/5
Bonus points for touching my emotions to the point where I get chills. Not many stories can do that! A very enjoyable one-shot in general. Hope you can take the advice in this review and continue writing beautiful works (: Good luck!
Total - 88/100
Author: `shinee
Reviewed by maybeSammy
Title - 4/5
Although not incredibly unique, the title suits your story very well and has a nice ring to it. However, I feel like you could've taken a step forever. For example, you could've related the title to the piano song she played which plays a big role in Eunji's and Jonghun's relationship.
Appearance - 5/5
Outstanding poster and background! They are not only attractive, but related to your story as well.
Forewords - 9/10
The Forewords were beautifully written. I think they would've been even better if the entire thing was written in Eunji's POV. It suddenly changes from a voice describing Eunji's and Jonghun's relationship to Eunji speaking of it herself. Nevertheless, you did a good job in introducing the story without giving too much away or boring the readers. Your portrayal of fate was quite intriguing.
Storyline - 12/15
Nothing new. I've read of most of the scenarios (e.g. call from the hospital, field of flowers) in other fanfics, but you still managed to pull it off because each scene has a well-defined feel to it. The flashbacks had a lot of meaning and I actually got chills from reading some of the dialogue! For example, when Jonghun told Eunji that she was his miracle, I almost died, haha. I also thought the incorporation of the belief of angels added a nice touch to the story.
Story Flow - 15/15
Perfect! I didn't feel lost at any point and you smoothly incorporated the flashbacks which can be hard at times. Nicely done.
Character Development - 15/15
When reading most one-shots, it's hard for the reader to really feel close to the characters. However, I was able to understand both characters, especially Jonghun. You can tell he's someone who may joke around but cares deeply about the person he loves. Well done.
Descriptions - 8/10
Spotted lots of great descriptions even with the small details.
"The dark and light green grasses were swaying left and right; like they were welcoming her once again, telling her not to cry. The fresh breeze circled around her and enveloped her in a refreshing hug as she smiled brightly ahead of her."
I thought these two sentences were especially beautiful. However, there are many sentences in which you just state a description instead of showing us. Paint the picture yourself! For example,
"The music that was echoing around the auditorium was powerful and yet gentle"
could be written as
"The powerful yet gentle music echoed around the auditorium."
"They were outside, walking on the wet cement under the umbrella that was big enough for the two of them. There was barely anyone out in the streets due to the heavy raining and the fogginess in the streets. They were walking together, hands held tight against each other and footsteps in sync. It was a beautiful symphony created by the two; it was simple, yet menacing."
could be changed to
"Under the umbrella big enough for the two of them, they walked on the wet cement. Barely anyone was out on the streets due to the heavy rain and fog. They walked together, hands tightly held against each other with their footsteps in sync. The two created a beautiful symphony that was simple, yet menacing."
Notice how the second description seems to flow better? There's no need to keep using "There was" in your sentences.
Correct Spelling/Grammar - 2/5
Spelling was pretty spot-on. However, I spotted many grammatical errors. One major problem was your usage of the semicolon (;). A semicolon can only be used if both the clause before and after it are independent. Many places where you used the semicolon, you could've just used the comma or linked both phrases with the word "and."
"But that was now all gone; disappeared into thin air within a blink of an eye.
should be
"But that was now all gone; it had disappeared into thin air within a blink of an eye."
Keeping Interest - 8/10
Like I said, not much is new but even if it weren't just for the sake of reviewing it, I'd still have read until the end.
Ending - 5/5
The ending was wonderfully written and didn't keep us hanging. Good to know she's letting herself free from the misery without replacing Jonghun's place in her heart. I love how you ended the one-shot with the engravements on his tombstone. It was very moving :)
Bonus Points - 5/5
Bonus points for touching my emotions to the point where I get chills. Not many stories can do that! A very enjoyable one-shot in general. Hope you can take the advice in this review and continue writing beautiful works (: Good luck!
Total - 88/100
Monday, August 16, 2010
Goodbye My Lover Review
Fanfic Url: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/4173/goodbye-my-lover-korean-romance-you-yunho
Author: lovefaith
Reviewed By: Hainexazien@Kiwi-flight.blogspot.com
Title: 3/5
Though the title could’ve been considered as suitable to the story, it was very common and not very likely to catch the eye of the reader when scrolling down a whole column full of stories. More creativity could’ve been put into it, and there must’ve been something else that was more suitable. I understand that it was used to set the theme of the story, as it was the title of the song you used in the story as well; I think you should’ve still put more thought into it. The title is the first thing that catches the readers’ attention, and if it’s overly used like this one, then most likely, the readers will just scroll past it to the next one. Overall though, it was good! Great job!
Appearance: 5/5
I usually mark this part on the poster and background, but since there wasn’t any; I marked it on the structure you have written the story in. It was really organized, and the transition from the story text right into the lyrics was easy to understand and didn’t ruin the appearance of the structure at all! Good Job!
Forewords: 6/10
How you organized the characters though wasn’t as attractive as how you have structured the story. You put ‘You, Jung YunHo.’ Which could’ve been seen as more organized if you put:
• You
• Jung YunHo
And possibly adding a description for the characters wouldn’t hurt. Though the description isn’t required, it gives the reader a brief idea of who the characters are, and it allows them know the characters more; to understand the storyline/ plot easier.
As well, the description you put down was more like an ‘Author’s Note’ where you would just express yourself. The description itself is for the story, and not for the ‘Author’s Note’ and since it’s put out there in the column along with title and posted with all the other stories, it’s also one of the main factors that could pull your readers in. If you just put your personal feelings and nothing about the story at all, then it wouldn’t really be a description box for the story. If you would like to add your feelings or thoughts into the description, then you’re more than free to put ‘Author’s Note’ under whatever Summary of the story, because you need that summary to pull the readers in. Though your forewords itself was short and brief, and though I would like more detail, it did sum up the whole story, so I didn’t deduct any points for that.
Storyline: 12/15
The storyline was actually quite good; I haven’t read much of these stories actually. I did take off points for how unrealistic the voice message from his girlfriend was. How could you possibly leave a voicemail knowing what he was going to say, and completely make out a conversation without knowing what he’d say? Does she just know him too well, or was it a coincidence? I didn’t quite understand. What else I didn’t get –maybe it was just me being slow—but is the girlfriend dead? You should try to stay as much to reality as possible, or make it somewhat as if it’s supposed to happen. This way, it wouldn’t surprise the readers when reading the story, or cause them to say how unbelievable the storyline is.
Story Flow: 15/15
The flow was just right. I knew just when there were flashbacks, and when it was in present time! Good Job!
Character Development: 14/15
I didn’t really learn much about Yunho himself other than the fact that his girlfriend possibly died, and he has resided too locking himself in his room to sulk about her. I could tell from that though that he really loves this person, and that he’s someone that cares a lot about love. Other than that though, Good Job!
Descriptions: 7/10
The vocabulary used to describe the objects or things were very plain, and you could’ve elaborated a lot more on what you talked about. I think that the story could’ve been a whole lot more descriptive. Descriptions allow the authors to imagine, and it creates an image in their mind that assists in understanding what is happening in the story more. Try to add more description and detail to your writings.
Correct Spelling Grammar: 5/5
I couldn’t find any spelling mistakes! Good Job! The grammar was alright as well! :)
Keeping Interest: 10/10
I did not sway while reading the story; you kept my interest the whole way! Good Job!
Ending: 3/5
I couldn’t quite understand the ending, and did she really die? I didn’t quite understand. Maybe it was because I was just slow, or you didn’t make it clear enough, but I did like the fact that he was getting over it and moving on :) Good Job!
Bonus Points: 5/5
Total: 85/100
I enjoyed reading your story! I hope I didn’t offend you in any way during this review, and I hope you use this as a guide for your future story writings! Though it was a little confusing, it did keep my attention throughout the whole time! Good Job! Have a great day and thank-you for requesting at Kiwi Flight! :)
Author: lovefaith
Reviewed By: Hainexazien@Kiwi-flight.blogspot.com
Title: 3/5
Though the title could’ve been considered as suitable to the story, it was very common and not very likely to catch the eye of the reader when scrolling down a whole column full of stories. More creativity could’ve been put into it, and there must’ve been something else that was more suitable. I understand that it was used to set the theme of the story, as it was the title of the song you used in the story as well; I think you should’ve still put more thought into it. The title is the first thing that catches the readers’ attention, and if it’s overly used like this one, then most likely, the readers will just scroll past it to the next one. Overall though, it was good! Great job!
Appearance: 5/5
I usually mark this part on the poster and background, but since there wasn’t any; I marked it on the structure you have written the story in. It was really organized, and the transition from the story text right into the lyrics was easy to understand and didn’t ruin the appearance of the structure at all! Good Job!
Forewords: 6/10
How you organized the characters though wasn’t as attractive as how you have structured the story. You put ‘You, Jung YunHo.’ Which could’ve been seen as more organized if you put:
• You
• Jung YunHo
And possibly adding a description for the characters wouldn’t hurt. Though the description isn’t required, it gives the reader a brief idea of who the characters are, and it allows them know the characters more; to understand the storyline/ plot easier.
As well, the description you put down was more like an ‘Author’s Note’ where you would just express yourself. The description itself is for the story, and not for the ‘Author’s Note’ and since it’s put out there in the column along with title and posted with all the other stories, it’s also one of the main factors that could pull your readers in. If you just put your personal feelings and nothing about the story at all, then it wouldn’t really be a description box for the story. If you would like to add your feelings or thoughts into the description, then you’re more than free to put ‘Author’s Note’ under whatever Summary of the story, because you need that summary to pull the readers in. Though your forewords itself was short and brief, and though I would like more detail, it did sum up the whole story, so I didn’t deduct any points for that.
Storyline: 12/15
The storyline was actually quite good; I haven’t read much of these stories actually. I did take off points for how unrealistic the voice message from his girlfriend was. How could you possibly leave a voicemail knowing what he was going to say, and completely make out a conversation without knowing what he’d say? Does she just know him too well, or was it a coincidence? I didn’t quite understand. What else I didn’t get –maybe it was just me being slow—but is the girlfriend dead? You should try to stay as much to reality as possible, or make it somewhat as if it’s supposed to happen. This way, it wouldn’t surprise the readers when reading the story, or cause them to say how unbelievable the storyline is.
Story Flow: 15/15
The flow was just right. I knew just when there were flashbacks, and when it was in present time! Good Job!
Character Development: 14/15
I didn’t really learn much about Yunho himself other than the fact that his girlfriend possibly died, and he has resided too locking himself in his room to sulk about her. I could tell from that though that he really loves this person, and that he’s someone that cares a lot about love. Other than that though, Good Job!
Descriptions: 7/10
The vocabulary used to describe the objects or things were very plain, and you could’ve elaborated a lot more on what you talked about. I think that the story could’ve been a whole lot more descriptive. Descriptions allow the authors to imagine, and it creates an image in their mind that assists in understanding what is happening in the story more. Try to add more description and detail to your writings.
Correct Spelling Grammar: 5/5
I couldn’t find any spelling mistakes! Good Job! The grammar was alright as well! :)
Keeping Interest: 10/10
I did not sway while reading the story; you kept my interest the whole way! Good Job!
Ending: 3/5
I couldn’t quite understand the ending, and did she really die? I didn’t quite understand. Maybe it was because I was just slow, or you didn’t make it clear enough, but I did like the fact that he was getting over it and moving on :) Good Job!
Bonus Points: 5/5
Total: 85/100
I enjoyed reading your story! I hope I didn’t offend you in any way during this review, and I hope you use this as a guide for your future story writings! Though it was a little confusing, it did keep my attention throughout the whole time! Good Job! Have a great day and thank-you for requesting at Kiwi Flight! :)
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Music is Life Review
Fanfic URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/ava_lava3/
Author: ava_lava
Reviewed by: myangelteuk
Title - 5/5
I like the title! It really fits with your story and how the characters lived. For some reason, though the title isn’t very eye-catching, I would still click on it.
Appearance - 4/5
I deducted a point because it kind of looked gloomy but it still looked nice. The background doesn’t interfere with the text so that’s good. I like the quote on the poster because in the story, music brought them all together.
Forewords - 10/10
You have everything that is needed to know about the story! I like that you put just a bit of a description about the characters rather than their whole personality because I think in a way, that would ruin the story.
Storyline - 15/15
Though the storyline is the same as other fanfics, you added something that other fics that has the same storyline that don’t. And that is music. For me, I really loved it! You also made it your own by adding things that other stories don’t. Which is the stink bomb!
Story Flow - 15/15
Not too fast or slow. Perfectly paced. Great job!
Character Development - 15/15
You developed the characters very well. Their personalities and persona matched and that’s really good. I think that you showed their personalities real well. That doesn’t often happen especially because this is an apply fic and also because sometimes people rush to get their applications in that they leave out certain details about themselves. I loved all of the characters personality.
Descriptions - 10/10
Very detailed and thorough.
Correct Spelling/Grammar - 5/5
Nothing is spelled wrong. The grammar is good and the vocabulary is stretched. I think that’s really good. Your writing is style is very nice
Keeping Interest - 10/10
It was very interesting! I really wanted to know more! You got me hooked on the prologue.
Ending - 5/5
Very unpredictable especially the part where Airah gets to dance with her stalker. I loved the ending especially because it was Wednesday!
Bonus Points - 5/5
Bonus for Junior! Well not really, but I really really loved your story! It made me cried at the end because it was Wednesday on Jewel’s wedding! And also, because I am in the story! I will really miss the story so I hope you writing something like this again! Hwaiting and good luck with your other stories.
Total: 99/100
Author: ava_lava
Reviewed by: myangelteuk
Title - 5/5
I like the title! It really fits with your story and how the characters lived. For some reason, though the title isn’t very eye-catching, I would still click on it.
Appearance - 4/5
I deducted a point because it kind of looked gloomy but it still looked nice. The background doesn’t interfere with the text so that’s good. I like the quote on the poster because in the story, music brought them all together.
Forewords - 10/10
You have everything that is needed to know about the story! I like that you put just a bit of a description about the characters rather than their whole personality because I think in a way, that would ruin the story.
Storyline - 15/15
Though the storyline is the same as other fanfics, you added something that other fics that has the same storyline that don’t. And that is music. For me, I really loved it! You also made it your own by adding things that other stories don’t. Which is the stink bomb!
Story Flow - 15/15
Not too fast or slow. Perfectly paced. Great job!
Character Development - 15/15
You developed the characters very well. Their personalities and persona matched and that’s really good. I think that you showed their personalities real well. That doesn’t often happen especially because this is an apply fic and also because sometimes people rush to get their applications in that they leave out certain details about themselves. I loved all of the characters personality.
Descriptions - 10/10
Very detailed and thorough.
Correct Spelling/Grammar - 5/5
Nothing is spelled wrong. The grammar is good and the vocabulary is stretched. I think that’s really good. Your writing is style is very nice
Keeping Interest - 10/10
It was very interesting! I really wanted to know more! You got me hooked on the prologue.
Ending - 5/5
Very unpredictable especially the part where Airah gets to dance with her stalker. I loved the ending especially because it was Wednesday!
Bonus Points - 5/5
Bonus for Junior! Well not really, but I really really loved your story! It made me cried at the end because it was Wednesday on Jewel’s wedding! And also, because I am in the story! I will really miss the story so I hope you writing something like this again! Hwaiting and good luck with your other stories.
Total: 99/100
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